I’m laying on my bed. I shouldn’t be typing. It’s bad for my neck. I’m too tired to sit up. Plus it will only be worse for my neck to look down at my lap. Now you know why this site is called what it is. Tired is a theme in my life. One time someone asked N what my hobbies were, and she said I liked laying down. Yup. I do. One time I realized part of the reason why. I have scoliosis and my back hurts sitting up. Maybe that’s an excuse. But I preferred to think of as insight into one of my quirks. Can you imagine how many of our little quirks, nuances, pet peeves, preferences, etc., are explained by our biology? Wouldn’t it be nice if we stopped blaming ourselves and each other for them? “Mom, it’s not that I don’t like green vegetables, it’s that TO ME they taste like shit and my body doesn’t want them! I know it’s supposed to, but it just doesn’t.”
Okay I sat up a little because truth is I have a lot to get done in this one writing session. As you can see I’ve been gone for a while. I have no clue when I last wrote so I can’t really “update” you but I can speak to the last few weeks, and to today. If I get to it. Hoping I do because I cld use the therapy.
- R flies from Cali to Boston for meetings. Night before he travels, he tells me he thinks he might have a blood clot because his leg hurts. We write it off to muscular pain from a workout. Why else would a young active guy like him who barely travels have a blood cot? He gets to Boston, ends up at the hospital, turns out he does have a bloodclot. No news since then. Just that he’s make it bk home to Cali and refuses to follow up with his doctor as instructed to find out the cause of the clot. He’s on rat poison meds. He has a hole in his heart and is at higher risk of stroke. So it’s pretty easy to be worried about him but he doesn’t let you be, which is beyond frustrating.
- Teta, aka grandma, is sick. Kidney is failing. Dad is going to fly to lebanon to see her. Shit. Shld I go too? Brings a flood of emotions about how my own grandma barely knows me. Doesn’t know about my engagement. Likely never will. The only grandma I’ve really ever known will never really be my grandma. It’s sad. It’s confusing. I don’t know how to process the potential loss. And more importantly, I don’t know how to deal with the present. Should I go and try to see her while I still can? Will I go to the funeral if she passes? Who cares, she’s here now. I could go see her now. Instead I’m wondering about the funeral. The whole thing is beyond confusing and I can’t begin to decipher my feelings, or the ones my dad must be feeling, having kids his mom barely knows. The often non-discussed life of an immigrant.
- My mom fell in a grocery store a month ago and fractured two of her vertebras. They’re not healing. Doc says she can do a surgery where she injects cement into the fracture. Usually works but occasionally the cement wanders to other parts of your body that it shldn’t to, like your heart. Full anestesia. My mom is in so much pain that I have no choice but to take the risks and support her. We get r (little r, not big R) to jump a 6am flight to go be with her during the surgery. That means double the workload for me on top of the worrying about my mom.
- I leave my purse on a bus. With everything in it. 5 days later it gets recovered. Miracle. Nothing missing. Things are looking up… Good humans still exist.
- We find out N is pregnant. HOLY SHIT. I’m excited. Scared too. Miscarriages are still 25% at this early stage so we wait anxiously not knowing if we’re allowed to be happy just yet. Not knowing how the baby will be received by our families. Feeling excited yet confused because I will be a parent but the baby is not OF me.
- D (related to R and r) finds my 8-yr old nephew doing smtg totally inappropriate. He’s been having nightmares for weeks and can’t sleep. We begin to highly suspect he’s been molested in the past. It conjures up all kinds of emotions for R, who’s been there before and never really dealt with it. We’re freaking out and not sure how to handle the situation. The internet is scary people, a place that can feed children’s curiosity in not the most naturally evolving way. Use PARENTAL CONTROLS. HELLLLO.
Anyway it’s been a rough week. But I’d like to explore today next…