The Things I Am Mourning

Not having my wedding in a church

Not having my entire family at the wedding

Not being able to have my entire family at the wedding because almost every single one of them doesn’t know the real me and doesn’t even know I’m getting married

Not being able to have the wedding in Lebanon

Not being with someone who understands my native tongue

No bridesmaids, no maid of honor/best man, no dance with dad, no traditions

Not being able to publicly announce our engagement

Knowing my parents, the people who are supposed to love you most, aren’t happy about my wedding

Not being married when we have our first baby

Having the stress of caring for a baby at our wedding

Having a baby in life that is not even OF me

My head hurts. You get the idea. Even if you never grew up imagining or dreaming about the perfect wedding, you had SOME vision and SOME truths about your life. When you go and suddenly take away even the most fundamental of those things, there is nothing left to hold onto. It’s normal to want to hold onto SOMEthing. You can only endure so much change and unexpectedness in one lifetime. Nevermind that the change all happens in just a few years of that lifetime. It’s a lot to absorb. Is there any joy left behind? Is there any excitement left? Is there anything left that reminds you of who you are? who you were? You don’t even know what’s you anymore.

And then you wonder why you sometimes feel overwhelmed…

And then you wonder why you sometimes fight or have limited capacity for small changes…

The mourning phase continues.

Will it ever end?